Point blank: Ladies, if you got it, show it

Patrick Sikana

Patrick Sikana

By Patrick Sikana

Last week I was randomly chosen to be part of the panel of judges at a women’s fashion show. On a normal day, I would have declined but then I made the mistake of mentioning it to my daughters and as usual they rolled their eyes up in derision, dismissing me as the most boring dad this side of the equator.

To prove them wrong, I accepted to go. Of course someone must have suspected I was a square peg in a round hole – so a 30 minute judging course was hastily organized to drum some modern fashion into my stone-age head just before the show begun. By the time I took my seat together with 4 other judges, I had forgotten virtually everything except one thing my instructor had said: “To win a fashion competition, an African woman must dress to show shape, size or complexion.”

Now, we can debate “size and complexion” but I need not remind you that the true mark of a beautiful African woman is a good shape. A curvy, proportionate shape – I mean.

You could be sneering all you want now, but you know what I’m talking about. Just ask men, who ‘escort’ a well-endowed woman with their eyes, or some of those Lusaka women who would trade their brains for a nice shape (read bum). Why else do you think women flock to the gym and request the instructor to show them exercises that firm up the gluteal muscles?

There’s one fable I can’t resist. It’s about a man who wanted to get married and had three beautiful girlfriends to choose from. His wisdom (or lack of it), led him to give each of the women K1,000,000 (un-rebased)  to test how they’d spend the money.He would then make a decision based on their expenses.

The first one bought herself a new wardrobe with the excuse of looking good for him. The second went to Kitchen Paradise and bought all the household appliances she needed, including a cooker with a huge oven so she’d bake her man a pie every day.The third invested in quail business to secure the family’s future. I’m just kidding. She invested in stocks. Which woman do you think the man chose?

Well, he chose the one with a great shape. A great pair of tits and, an even greater posterior.Ladies, let me tell you a little open secret. You see us men you love to hate, or hate to love?  Many of usare complete airheads, easily confused not by your awesome personality (by the way that is important) but by your ‘’assets”.

You can be the dumbest girl on earth, or the most intelligent, but guess what; often these will not get you the man of your dreams. You see, as men we will philosophize on how personality supersedes good looks, but that’s just us being nice to women who have no bum to write home about.  We don’t really care the first thing about personality. We don’t give a damn about your impressive 6 points at grade 12, or your distinction at UNZA. In fact for many of us, that is intimidating.

Every man would love himself some arm candy to show his boys he is a hero. I mean, have you ever seen how we glow with pride when they walk with a nicely endowed woman?So ladies, if you are blessed with a great bum or legs, dump the drab jeans for a well-fitting skirt or dress, a pair of nice, five-inch heels and strut your stuff this valentine’s Friday!Go flaunt it. Oh and yes you can do that decently. You don’t have to do a Clara Ngoma or Amanda Chulu.

If, on the other hand, youhave a bum that resembles a nice pancake, worry not. You won’t make it before this Friday but still I would say go on an eating marathon.Anything legal you can lay your hands on; French fries, vitumbuwa, mangoes. I don’t care.Then hit the gym and tone your body. Do a 100 sit-ups a day if you must, but ensure your waist to hip ratio is enviable. If everything fails you– I mean shape, personality, size and complexion- remember there’s still somebody for everybody so don’t go commit suicide. Don’t they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beer-holder – oh sorry, I meant beholder?